My story as an adopted geminii living with Bi-Polar Depression
My name is Jessica 'Sunshine' Klein. In my early twenties I dreamed of having an organic farm that I would call 'Sunshine Klein Farms.' When I told my mom that I gave myself the name 'Sunshine,' she laughed and said, "Who you? Chief Thundercloud?" I didn't understand it at the time, but my mom was the first person to love me with all my "faults."
I am now 33 years old and I was born under the sun sign of geminii on June 12. Geminii's are known as the twins (I definitely have two sides). They may also exhibit negative traits like inconsistency, the inability to express oneself emotionally and a lack of depth in thoughts towards other individuals. This can lead them to be not very close to anyone.
I was adopted at birth and no matter how hard I try, there is still a feeling of being abandoned deep within my being. In my teen years, I questioned everything. Why was I given up? Do my birth parents think of me? Since then, I have been able to see the grace of the situation and be grateful for all the blessings my adopted family brought to my life. I have an extremely loving family and I would not be where I am without them.
I also have bipolar depression. For the last 18 years I have been hiding behind my disease, afraid of what others may say about me. I was diagnosed with bi-polar depression as a young teenager. I tried to numb out my suicidal thoughts with drugs, alcohol and other negative behaviors like staying in tumultuous relationships for too long. I had no self worth and in fact, I didn't want to live on this earth knowing that I was different and I would have to take medication for the rest of my life. Oh boy, did I rebel...
In my senior year of high school I attempted suicide. Having a condition like bi-polar depression was like receiving a death sentence for me. I was scared, uneducated about mental illness and I wanted to escape from this life. When life gets sticky for me, the negative thoughts pull me so deep into an abyss that I spiral out of control. If I say or do something that affects or offends someone, I immediately feel remorse, guilt, shame and do not want to continue living. But, I am living, and I am so glad that I am. I have false guilt alarms, where I find myself feeling guilty about things I have not even done. My illness shows up in unanswered text or email messages, not returning phone calls, abrasive conversations, inconsistent social media presence or a dramatic lapse in exercise routines. It can whip me into an emotional state at the touch of a button, and then five minutes later I can move on. The problem is that other people cannot handle these radical shifts in energy. I tend to push people away to protect myself and if I tell a falsehood, in my own limited mind, it is, however misguided, to protect myself.
I found the healing benefits of yoga and meditation when I was 25. For the last nine years I have been diligently studying the philosophy and techniques of yoga. I found a guru who I absolutely love and adore; he loves me just for existing. That kind of unconditional love was a game-changer, and its not the type of unconditional love you receive from a parent or a BFF... this is the type of unconditional love from God. Working with Reverend Jaganath Carrera and The Yoga Life Society throughout the last seven years has helped me shift my thoughts from discomfort to ease. This support enabled me to clearly look at my strengths and weaknesses. Having a positive role model radiating peace and love to emulate helps me to bring light to the darkest parts of myself. Yoga is the science of the mind, and with the right amount of fervor and determination we can do anything.
During my twenties I was unmedicated and looking back I can see the damage I did to my life and to others. I was a "hot mess," and I had no idea. It took some of my darkest days to realize what was going on. I am happy to share that this year I am back in therapy and back on my meds, and for the first time it is my choice to do so. I now know that I can be helped with the medicine, so therefore, I take it. What is so different about taking meds for our mind and taking meds for our gut? Or diabetes? I can see that this darkness is a part of me, and if I want to keep it under control I know that therapy and medicine works.
I currently teach full time for a private school called Fusion Academy, which specializes in individualized learning plans for every student. Because each class is taught in a one-to-one setting, I am allowed to get to know my students. I see myself in many of the students at school, as they learn to cope with new mental health conditions. I believe it is my karma to work at this school to help heal painful wounds from my past. I run a yoga business called Sunshine Yoga Life and every day I try to put energy into the business. When my dark days come and its hard to get out of bed to do anything, I reach into my tool box for help. Having a purpose and a direction with the business helps motivate me when I feel down. Throughout my life, while learning about my disease, I have found ways to cope and connect with others. Educating yourself is the strongest weapon in making a change. Serving others is the best way to get out of the darkness.
It is now time for me to stand in my truth. I am learning to accept that the only way out, is through the darkness. Having this side of myself is a part of me, but my condition does not define who I am as a person. Many people have been coming forward about mental illness, and the time is NOW to strip down the stigma about mental health. As one of my favorite singers, Lady Gaga told Prince William in an interview, "We have to make the strongest, most relentless attempt to normalize mental health issues, so that people feel they can come forward."
During the month of May I have been posting videos and articles on Sunshine Yoga that inspire me about various people's stories and ways to cope with mental illness. Below you will find a collection of my favorite videos. I am Sunshine and I am Chief Thundercloud. May we all grow to love ourselves completely.
I am now 33 years old and I was born under the sun sign of geminii on June 12. Geminii's are known as the twins (I definitely have two sides). They may also exhibit negative traits like inconsistency, the inability to express oneself emotionally and a lack of depth in thoughts towards other individuals. This can lead them to be not very close to anyone.
I was adopted at birth and no matter how hard I try, there is still a feeling of being abandoned deep within my being. In my teen years, I questioned everything. Why was I given up? Do my birth parents think of me? Since then, I have been able to see the grace of the situation and be grateful for all the blessings my adopted family brought to my life. I have an extremely loving family and I would not be where I am without them.
I also have bipolar depression. For the last 18 years I have been hiding behind my disease, afraid of what others may say about me. I was diagnosed with bi-polar depression as a young teenager. I tried to numb out my suicidal thoughts with drugs, alcohol and other negative behaviors like staying in tumultuous relationships for too long. I had no self worth and in fact, I didn't want to live on this earth knowing that I was different and I would have to take medication for the rest of my life. Oh boy, did I rebel...
In my senior year of high school I attempted suicide. Having a condition like bi-polar depression was like receiving a death sentence for me. I was scared, uneducated about mental illness and I wanted to escape from this life. When life gets sticky for me, the negative thoughts pull me so deep into an abyss that I spiral out of control. If I say or do something that affects or offends someone, I immediately feel remorse, guilt, shame and do not want to continue living. But, I am living, and I am so glad that I am. I have false guilt alarms, where I find myself feeling guilty about things I have not even done. My illness shows up in unanswered text or email messages, not returning phone calls, abrasive conversations, inconsistent social media presence or a dramatic lapse in exercise routines. It can whip me into an emotional state at the touch of a button, and then five minutes later I can move on. The problem is that other people cannot handle these radical shifts in energy. I tend to push people away to protect myself and if I tell a falsehood, in my own limited mind, it is, however misguided, to protect myself.
I found the healing benefits of yoga and meditation when I was 25. For the last nine years I have been diligently studying the philosophy and techniques of yoga. I found a guru who I absolutely love and adore; he loves me just for existing. That kind of unconditional love was a game-changer, and its not the type of unconditional love you receive from a parent or a BFF... this is the type of unconditional love from God. Working with Reverend Jaganath Carrera and The Yoga Life Society throughout the last seven years has helped me shift my thoughts from discomfort to ease. This support enabled me to clearly look at my strengths and weaknesses. Having a positive role model radiating peace and love to emulate helps me to bring light to the darkest parts of myself. Yoga is the science of the mind, and with the right amount of fervor and determination we can do anything.
During my twenties I was unmedicated and looking back I can see the damage I did to my life and to others. I was a "hot mess," and I had no idea. It took some of my darkest days to realize what was going on. I am happy to share that this year I am back in therapy and back on my meds, and for the first time it is my choice to do so. I now know that I can be helped with the medicine, so therefore, I take it. What is so different about taking meds for our mind and taking meds for our gut? Or diabetes? I can see that this darkness is a part of me, and if I want to keep it under control I know that therapy and medicine works.
I currently teach full time for a private school called Fusion Academy, which specializes in individualized learning plans for every student. Because each class is taught in a one-to-one setting, I am allowed to get to know my students. I see myself in many of the students at school, as they learn to cope with new mental health conditions. I believe it is my karma to work at this school to help heal painful wounds from my past. I run a yoga business called Sunshine Yoga Life and every day I try to put energy into the business. When my dark days come and its hard to get out of bed to do anything, I reach into my tool box for help. Having a purpose and a direction with the business helps motivate me when I feel down. Throughout my life, while learning about my disease, I have found ways to cope and connect with others. Educating yourself is the strongest weapon in making a change. Serving others is the best way to get out of the darkness.
It is now time for me to stand in my truth. I am learning to accept that the only way out, is through the darkness. Having this side of myself is a part of me, but my condition does not define who I am as a person. Many people have been coming forward about mental illness, and the time is NOW to strip down the stigma about mental health. As one of my favorite singers, Lady Gaga told Prince William in an interview, "We have to make the strongest, most relentless attempt to normalize mental health issues, so that people feel they can come forward."
During the month of May I have been posting videos and articles on Sunshine Yoga that inspire me about various people's stories and ways to cope with mental illness. Below you will find a collection of my favorite videos. I am Sunshine and I am Chief Thundercloud. May we all grow to love ourselves completely.
Did you know that 1 in 5 Americans are affected by a mental health condition? It is time to change the conversation! See the person, not the condition. Pledge to be #stigmafree
Here's a talk with two fantastic people, Prince William and Lady Gaga about coming forward and speaking up about mental health. I absolutely love Lady Gaga and to hear her words is so inspiring. I have struggled for most of my life with mental health and have hidden behind tall walls to avoid embarrassment or judgement from others. The time has come for us all to stand together! #oktosay
Sean Stephenson. He inspires me to be me! The real prison exists within all of us, in our mind. "None but ourselves can free our minds." (Bob Marley)
I am grateful to have had the opportunity to meet Joseph, the founder of The You Rock Foundation today at Fusion Academy, the private school I teach at in Morristown. He came to tell the students and staff his story, plus we talked about red flags for mental illness and then ways to cope or help. It was a powerful workshop!!! We split off into small groups and the intimate setting allowed us all to open up. Then, we regrouped and compiled a huge list of warning signs and ways to help. By the end of his presentation I was left feeling empowered, and most importantly, not alone. Hear his story and how he uses music to help heal. #youmatter #youreneeded #yourock
Chris Gethard Career Suicide - Chris is a friend from my high school marching band, and he has brought comedy to depression and anxiety. I had the pleasure of seeing his stand-up Career Suicide show in NYC last year, and I laughed so hard, probably because I related to so many jokes about mental health and growing up in Northern New Jersey. Here's an interview with Ghris Cethard and another one of my favorites, Stephen Colbert.
Project Semicolon is a company created to help reduce the incidents of suicide in the world through connected community and greater access to information and resources. They believe that suicide prevention is the collective responsibility of each and every person on the planet. A semicolon is used when an author could have ended a sentence, but chooses not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life. The semicolon is being used as a symbol of choosing life over suicide. Unfortunately the founder, Amy Bleuel, passed away this year, but her message lives on.
Glennon Doyle Melton advises us to, "Use your pain as your power." We are a trinity of body, mind and spirit. Love yourself, all parts - body, mind and spirit. She tells a funny short story about hot yoga --- The journey of the warrior!
Listen to Shawn Achor talk about the science of happiness. I absolutely love that scientists now study happiness, and its so amazing to me that we can literally change our brain through positive thinking and a daily gratitude practice. Many of us have experienced this reality and its so cool that there is science to back it up.
Life tips from the Dalai Lama. He talks about happiness, compassion, and mindfulness. Open your heart, give to others and make time for yourself.
This is a HAPPY video! Check out Where the Heck is Matt? and how he uses dancing to communicate with people of all languages. Love is the true answer to everything. We are on this world to create, to serve and to love each other.
Robin Williams interacts with Koko & The Gorilla Foundation. If you haven't seen this yet, you're in for a treat. Animals have such an impact on our energy and our lives. When we are able to love unconditionally and be completely in the present moment, we have unified with them and the rest of the universe, even if only for a moment. Animals have always been healing for me. There is a language that is understood by all, it's called love.
You are Beautiful! I love this social experiment so much. Why do we sometimes resist compliments? Let your beauty shine!
This video is about using meditation to focus and calm the mind; a state of relaxation that affects your whole life. It's no wonder why so many successful people meditate. Have you tried meditation yet?
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