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Thriving with a Mental Illness

5/31/2017

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My story as an adopted geminii living with Bi-Polar Depression

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My name is Jessica 'Sunshine' Klein.  In my early twenties I dreamed of having an organic farm that I would call 'Sunshine Klein Farms.'  When I told my mom that I gave myself the name 'Sunshine,' she laughed and said, "Who you?  Chief Thundercloud?"  I didn't understand it at the time, but my mom was the first person to love me with all my "faults."

I am now 33 years old and I was born under the sun sign of geminii on June 12.  Geminii's are known as the twins (I definitely have two sides).  They may also exhibit negative traits like inconsistency, the inability to express oneself emotionally and a lack of depth in thoughts towards other individuals.  This can lead them to be not very close to anyone.  

I was adopted at birth and no matter how hard I try, there is still a feeling of being abandoned deep within my being.  In my teen years, I questioned everything.  Why was I given up?  Do my birth parents think of me?  Since then, I have been able to see the grace of the situation and be grateful for all the blessings my adopted family brought to my life.  I have an extremely loving family and I would not be where I am without them.

I also have bipolar depression.  For the last 18 years I have been hiding behind my disease, afraid of what others may say about me.  I was diagnosed with bi-polar depression as a young teenager.  I tried to numb out my suicidal thoughts with drugs, alcohol and other negative behaviors like staying in tumultuous relationships for too long.  I had no self worth and in fact, I didn't want to live on this earth knowing that I was different and I would have to take medication for the rest of my life.  Oh boy, did I rebel...

In my senior year of high school I attempted suicide.  Having a condition like bi-polar depression was like receiving a death sentence for me.  I was scared, uneducated about mental illness and I wanted to escape from this life.  When life gets sticky for me, the negative thoughts pull me so deep into an abyss that I spiral out of control.  If I say or do something that affects or offends someone, I immediately feel remorse, guilt, shame and do not want to continue living.  But, I am living, and I am so glad that I am.  I have false guilt alarms, where I find myself feeling guilty about things I have not even done.  My illness shows up in unanswered text or email messages, not returning phone calls, abrasive conversations, inconsistent social media presence or a dramatic lapse in exercise routines.  It can whip me into an emotional state at the touch of a button, and then five minutes later I can move on.  The problem is that other people cannot handle these radical shifts in energy.  I tend to push people away to protect myself and if I tell a falsehood, in my own limited mind, it is, however misguided, to protect myself. 

I found the healing benefits of yoga and meditation when I was 25.  For the last nine years I have been diligently studying the philosophy and techniques of yoga.  I found a guru who I absolutely love and adore; he loves me just for existing.  That kind of unconditional love was a game-changer, and its not the type of unconditional love you receive from a parent or a BFF... this is the type of unconditional love from God.  Working with Reverend Jaganath Carrera and The Yoga Life Society  throughout the last seven years has helped me shift my thoughts from discomfort to ease.  This support enabled me to clearly look at my strengths and weaknesses.  Having a positive role model radiating peace and love to emulate helps me to bring light to the darkest parts of myself.  Yoga is the science of the mind, and with the right amount of fervor and determination we can do anything.

During my twenties I was unmedicated and looking back I can see the damage I did to my life and to others.  I was a "hot mess,"  and I had no idea.  It took some of my darkest days to realize what was going on.  I am happy to share that this year I am back in therapy and back on my meds, and for the first time it is my choice to do so.  I now know that I can be helped with the medicine, so therefore, I take it.  What is so different about taking meds for our mind and taking meds for our gut?  Or diabetes?  I can see that this darkness is a part of me, and if I want to keep it under control I know that therapy and medicine works.

I currently teach full time for a private school called Fusion Academy, which specializes in individualized learning plans for every student.  Because each class is taught in a one-to-one setting, I am allowed to get to know my students.  I see myself in many of the students at school, as they learn to cope with new mental health conditions.  I believe it is my karma to work at this school to help heal painful wounds from my past.  I run a yoga business called Sunshine Yoga Life and every day I try to put energy into the business.  When my dark days come and its hard to get out of bed to do anything, I reach into my tool box for help.  Having a purpose and a direction with the business helps motivate me when I feel down.  Throughout my life, while learning about my disease, I have found ways to cope and connect with others.  Educating yourself is the strongest weapon in making a change.  Serving others is the best way to get out of the darkness.

It is now time for me to stand in my truth.  I am learning to accept that the only way out, is through the darkness.  Having this side of myself is a part of me, but my condition does not define who I am as a person.  Many people have been coming forward about mental illness, and the time is NOW to strip down the stigma about mental health.  As one of my favorite singers, Lady Gaga told Prince William in an interview, "We have to make the strongest, most relentless attempt to normalize mental health issues, so that people feel they can come forward."  

During the month of May I have been posting videos and articles on Sunshine Yoga that inspire me about various people's stories and ways to cope with mental illness.  Below you will find a collection of my favorite videos.  I am Sunshine and I am Chief Thundercloud.  May we all grow to love ourselves completely.

Did you know that 1 in 5 Americans are affected by a mental health condition?  It is time to change the conversation!  See the person, not the condition.  Pledge to be #stigmafree

Here's a talk with two fantastic people, Prince William and Lady Gaga about coming forward and speaking up about mental health.  I absolutely love Lady Gaga and to hear her words is so inspiring.  I have struggled for most of my life with mental health and have hidden behind tall walls to avoid embarrassment or judgement from others.  The time has come for us all to stand together! #oktosay

 Sean Stephenson. He inspires me to be me! The real prison exists within all of us, in our mind. "None but ourselves can free our minds." (Bob Marley)

 I am grateful to have had the opportunity to meet Joseph, the founder of The You Rock Foundation today at Fusion Academy, the private school I teach at in Morristown.  He came to tell the students and staff his story, plus we talked about red flags for mental illness and then ways to cope or help.  It was a powerful workshop!!!  We split off into small groups and the intimate setting allowed us all to open up.  Then, we regrouped and compiled a huge list of warning signs and ways to help.  By the end of his presentation I was left feeling empowered, and most importantly, not alone.  Hear his story and how he uses music to help heal. #youmatter #youreneeded #yourock

 Chris Gethard Career Suicide - Chris is a friend from my high school marching band, and he has brought comedy to depression and anxiety.  I had the pleasure of seeing his stand-up Career Suicide show in NYC last year, and I laughed so hard, probably because I related to so many jokes about mental health and growing up in Northern New Jersey.  Here's an interview with Ghris Cethard and another one of my favorites, Stephen Colbert.

 Project Semicolon is a company created to help reduce the incidents of suicide in the world through connected community and greater access to information and resources.  They believe that suicide prevention is the collective responsibility of each and every person on the planet.  A semicolon is used when an author could have ended a sentence, but chooses not to.  The author is you and the sentence is your life.  The semicolon is being used as a symbol of choosing life over suicide.  Unfortunately the founder, Amy Bleuel, passed away this year, but her message lives on.

Glennon Doyle Melton advises us to, "Use your pain as your power." We are a trinity of body, mind and spirit. Love yourself, all parts - body, mind and spirit. She tells a funny short story about hot yoga --- The journey of the warrior!

Listen to Shawn Achor talk about the science of happiness.  I absolutely love that scientists now study happiness, and its so amazing to me that we can literally change our brain through positive thinking and a daily gratitude practice.  Many of us have experienced this reality and its so cool that there is science to back it up.

 Life tips from the Dalai Lama.  He talks about happiness, compassion, and mindfulness.  Open your heart, give to others and make time for yourself.

This is a HAPPY video!  Check out Where the Heck is Matt? and how he uses dancing to communicate with people of all languages.  Love is the true answer to everything.  We are on this world to create, to serve and to love each other.

Robin Williams interacts with Koko & The Gorilla Foundation.  If you haven't seen this yet, you're in for a treat.  Animals have such an impact on our energy and our lives.  When we are able to love unconditionally and be completely in the present moment, we have unified with them and the rest of the universe, even if only for a moment.  Animals have always been healing for me.  There is a language that is understood by all, it's called love.

You are Beautiful! I love this social experiment so much. Why do we sometimes resist compliments? Let your beauty shine!

This video is about using meditation to focus and calm the mind; a state of relaxation that affects your whole life.  It's no wonder why so many successful people meditate.  Have you tried meditation yet?
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Why Become a Yoga Teacher?

4/18/2016

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I am so grateful to be featured by YogaTeacherPrep.com for this amazing project to help students who are considering Yoga Teacher Training.  The founder, Laura, has committed to posting 108 tips for prospective students from yoga teacher trainers worldwide.  So, here's the golden question...why become a yoga teacher?

I enrolled in teacher training in 2009 to explore myself.  Actually, after living in a van on the beach in San Diego and upon my return home at the age of 25, it was my mom who encouraged me to study one of my passions.  I chose to study yoga.  I have been taught to be aware of coincidences, so when I researched the different programs, I found a studio that I had a connection to.  I had been studying with a teacher the previous year whose name was Starseed.  After researching online, I found Starseed Yoga and it quickly became my first home.  I remember on 9/9/09 I took a class at 9 am with Mary Paige Snell, and it changed my world forever.  I head the crystal singing bowls for the first time and I knew, at that very moment, that I wanted to play them, that I wanted to do exactly that.  I saw myself in her.  I filled out my training application right after class, with basically only $1 in my bank account.  I choose a studio that had a history, a success story; one that had a powerful impact on its' community.   And a place where I felt love.

When you commit to your dharma with your whole heart, your path opens.   During my nine months training, I was able to complete the program, work a full time greenhouse job, pay for the program and pay for my first one bedroom apartment.  It was amazing what happened after the day I said, "Yes," to my destiny.  Throughout my training, the books seemed like distant memories.  It was if I born to teach yoga, that I have already done this before.  Originally, I came to yoga for the physical benefits, as so many of us do.  It was during my training, during my re-awakening, that I learned about the depth of yoga and met my guru (spiritual teacher) that I still study with.  Meeting Reverend Jaganath Carrera for the first time was like meeting an old friend.  He was familiar and joyful like Santa Claus.  I saw a light that I haven't seen in what seemed a distant memory.  I still remember what I was wearing... this adorable black topless sundress...oh, so how inappropriate to wear in front of the guru!  I laugh at my past.  My journey has been so beautiful.

Upon my 200-hr program's graduation, I was so excited to start teaching.   I had the pleasure of having Jason Martin, one of the founders of Starseed Yoga, take the class I was leading.  One day he asked me how it was going and I told him I was nervous about making mistakes, like calling a pose the wrong name or not having all the answers yet.  He gave me the best advice, which is something I advise all teachers.  He asked me, "Do you love yoga?"  I said, "Yes, very much."  He replied, "Then, your only job is to show the students how much you love yoga."  It brought tears to my eyes.  We do not own the teachings, they come through us if we allow ourselves to be open to receive them.  Do the work with non-attachment, and then allow the teachings to come through you.  You get all you need, always, in all ways.
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​1. First and foremost, the best way to learn is to teach.  Teaching keeps us open to keep learning.  By committing to a training you are opening yourself up to receive the teachings on a deeper level.  Have you ever read a book twice, or even three times?  As you go back and dig deeper, you discover there is more to learn, a new perspective you maybe didn't see before.  I love learning and it only gets better.  Do you know when you learn a new word, you see it everywhere?  The same applies with philosophy.  As I learn and teach a subject, the universe continually tests me.  It is the most beautiful process unfolding in front of my eyes.

2. Teaching helps us become better listeners and more keen observers.  When you "teach what you see," and refine your teaching to a place where people can benefit the most, you learn to see where you can help others.  Sharpening your listening skills can help you discover what philosophy or concentration technique will be most useful to teach the students on that day.  Teaching allows you to hold space for people to share their ideas without judgement.  We start to see ourselves in others, and we can use our wisdom from past experiences to help others pull through their own challenges.

3. Choose to be a light worker.  Part of teaching yoga is inspiring others.  By living the teachings authentically, you encourage others to do so as well.  This doesn't mean life will be peaches and cream.  Actually, quite the opposite holds true.  With your agreement with the universe to teach yoga, you will be tested.  It can seem that it gets harder before any freedom comes.  But, the power you cultivate on your path can encourage others to follow their goals.  It's all for good.

4. Commit to improve yourself.  Every day is a new day.  The teachings are the tools to use when we are faced with challenges.  By having a consistent practice where we honestly look at our progress, both in asana and meditation, we ultimately get closer to the innermost Self.  The yamas and niyamas are the guides for keeping a steady mind, and are a daily check-in for behavior and beliefs.  Each day is a new opportunity to become a little more giving, a little stronger, and a little more peaceful.  Ask yourself, "What can I do now?"  Do something for your peace and then spread that with others.

5. One of the greatest gifts in the world is community.  When you commit to living the teachings, you automatically will connect with others who have similar goals.  By keeping with good company, you will stay away from delusion.  There are yogis everywhere, and as yoga continues to spread, the yoga community continues to grow daily.  There are more studios, more teachers, more training programs and its all good!  There is enough yoga for every type of person to find comfort in the teachings.  A 200-hr program is a launchpad to a diverse culture of awareness.  There are traditional paths and new branches of yoga like SUP yoga.  Plus, the group that you train with will be your family forever.  It is a bond like no other.

6. It is fun!  Having a passion for what you do makes it more interesting and more rewarding.  Growing and helping others grow is fun.  There are really no words to describe the feeling to see others succeeding at their goals, especially watching the transformation of a student in yoga teacher training.  It is an experience that will offer a new perspective on life and can positively affect your relationships and your whole life.  There is joy on the path to joy.


Read about the Sunshine Yoga Life 200-hr Yoga Teacher Training here

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Spring Cleaning with Sunshine Yoga Life

3/30/2016

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Spring cleaning time has arrived!

Have you heard of spring cleaning your closets, or "give your house a good spring cleaning?"  Just like we need to de-clutter after winter in our physical environment, our inner environment also benefits from cleaning.  You are what you eat; literally, what you eat becomes your body and mind.  Energy cannot be destroyed, only transferred.  If you eat healthy and vibrant food filled with micronutrients, your body will thank you.  Your skin will shine brighter and clear up.  You can heal yourself from the inside out.  How can you bring clarity to the different parts of your life?

Here are nine ways to bring spring cleaning to a whole new level!

1. Let's start with the physical world.  Clean your home, I mean really clean it.  That includes washing the windows, floors and baseboards. - your external environment has an impact on your inner world.  Have you heard the phrase, "Clean home, Clear mind?"

2. Organize your closets and donate anything you haven't worn in two years - making space will allow new energy to flow your way.  If you want to buy some new spring clothes, first donate some old ones.

3. Commit to a wholefood-plant-based diet and try a juice cleanse.***  If this is completely new for you, start slowly with Meatless Mondays.  Going veg for one day a week is a great way to start eating a more plant based diet.
*** Read about my juice cleanse here 

4. Mental Spring Cleaning:  Start a gratitude journal - start your day by writing down three things you are grateful for.  This simple practice can have long lasting effects on our happiness scale.

5. Skip the news in the morning - if you want to be informed but do not want to be dragged down by negative news, read the headlines on a reputable online newspaper.  I am in no way saying to ignore the news, rather that you can choose to click into the story if you want to know more.  Shawn Achor shares his research here


Watch Shawn Achor's TED talk on happiness below!

6. Start an exercise or yoga home practice - do you let yourself off the hook a lot when you do your practice on your own?  Say you planned on exercising for 30 minutes and after ten minutes, you say, "I'm good!"  Developing the discipline to work beyond our limitations, especially limitations in our mind, will ultimately provide freedom.  The American Heart Association recommends 30 minutes of exercise daily to decrease your risk of cardiovascular disease.  The work is hard, no doubt.  Keep showing up.

7. Start a daily meditation practice - taking quiet time allows your mind to rest from the constant worrying and planning.  Need help getting started?  
Email me for beginning meditation tips!

8. Practice random acts of kindness - write a two minute email thanking someone on your contact list or the next time you are on line, offer to pay for the person standing behind you or simply let someone pass in front of you in traffic.  Always offer these gifts with love and a smile.  Even a smile is a gift to the receiver!
 
9. Go outside and play - this is the most important step to welcome spring!  Join me on a yoga hike this year.  See the yoga hike schedule here!

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